I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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