my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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