Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
