I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
