I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
