Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
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