im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
