No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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