You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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