he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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