Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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