Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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