So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
