Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize