and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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