I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
