Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
