u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
