We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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