Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
