Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
