I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You pole danced in your parka.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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