Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
