Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
