Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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