I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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