You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
