Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
