if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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