I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
