you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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