Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
