i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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