you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
