Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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