Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
