Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize