No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
