He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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