saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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