I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
