So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
