my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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