My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
