Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
