you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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