I hope mine doesn't look like that
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
