Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
