I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
