im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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