there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
