you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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