tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize