1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
