My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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