You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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