I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
