my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
