I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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