She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
im on a boat
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