She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
