I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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