I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
