: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
