and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
