i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
