Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
