Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
