i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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